Since my teenage years and my greedy discovery of sexuality, I have always thought that there was another dimension to explore in the sexual act.
That it could not only stop at feeling a pleasure, certainly intense but always too short, for my taste, by pleasing myself alone or by practicing with my different partners. Soon I decided that in order to increase the opportunities to experience these incredible moments of pleasure. I should not be satisfied with the intimate company of only half of human beings, but that I should extend it to the other half, by being bisexual.
This marked truly my first break with “traditional” sexuality and I was 17 yo. So I have gone through life actively cultivating a bi-sexuality, discreet at first, but gradually more firmly affirmed. For a while, I really wondered if I should make a choice, and even had some ‘gentle’ nagging that I should, one day, choose my side. But no, it felt aligned as it was. I had so much fun being intimate with both sexes. But very soon my “difference” did not stop there. I started to read books about Tibetan monks, who talked about extraordinary powers of the body, the mind, and Energy. I also became interested in religions, but from a different perspective, reading between the lines and trying to uncover the whole sexual and carnal dimension, which has been carefully suppressed by generations of devotees, who have taken control of the only space of freedom that people could enjoy in spite of their poverty and deprivation: carnal pleasure.
In this respect, the writings of Wilhelm Reich made it obvious to me that the ruling classes, lords, and kings, with the assistance of the clergy, put the energy of men and women under their control, in order to divert it and use it, through the violence generated by repressed energy, for their exclusive benefit. It was later that the accidents of life that had made me an orphan at the age of 9 yo.
Then I took up theatre, as an amateur. I remember the first day I walked through the door, I was invited to go on stage to take part in an expression relay, and I thought it was just great! Acting, improvising, with all these actions, sometimes dramatic, sometimes comical, that follow one another as if by miracle, feeling a room that reacts… all this was just fabulous for me. And of course, sharing these moments of intensity and emotion brings people together and creates bonds. So there were a lot of meetings and a lot of adventures.
And among these encounters, a guy, who had heard me talk about psychoanalysis, approached me, making the connection between our theatre teacher and his own shrink, and telling me that with the latter, he does a lot of role-playing in his analytical practice. Moreover, this boy seemed to want to seduce me, not only to add me to his shrink’s patient base but also for his own account….This was later confirmed to me….
Having whetted my curiosity, I decided to see for myself how these psychodramas work. And from there I am signing up for another eight years of psychoanalysis! But there, the long periods of silence and the parsimonious comments of my first therapist are over, the new one is dithyrambic. He likes to talk about himself so much, I often wondered if I shouldn’t charge him for his consultations !! So he, my second therapist, is a complete Freudian! So back to sexuality! …and I must admit, to my great satisfaction. In addition to the individual sessions, we do a lot of group practice. Marathons of 24 hours non-stop, weekends in his house lost in the Mediterranean scrubland, and cruises for 15 people on his little 9-metres sailing boat. There is no better training for exploring group and couple dynamics. We were constantly under tension, to provoke and bring to light all the neuroses of each and every one. I must admit that during these eight years, I obtained the equivalent of a master’s degree in psychology, as well as cleaning up all my psychic dross in depth. And as the atmosphere was very Freudian, our closeness, I should say our constant intimacy, and because of my relative sexual freedom, I was used as an ‘initiator’ for men who wanted to experiment with homosexuality, and by couples wishing to boost their intimacy through threesomes and various sexual games. And I decided to put theatre aside, to immerse myself more deeply in the exploration of alternative sexualities.
Porn had arrived on my computer. I was fascinated by the world of BDSM and, in particular, bondage. I found it very erotic and very artistic at the same time. Unfortunately, there was nothing like that near my home. But I kept coming back to the website of a place in Berlin that fascinated me. I saw some very artistic photos mixing bondage, suspension, yoga, sexuality and proposals for workshops… The Schwelle 7! While telling myself that it wasn’t for me, the people on the photos, boys and girls, were all beautiful, quite young, and above all sporty, dancers, yogis, everything that I wasn’t. But finally I decided to send an email, saying that I would like to participate in a workshop, but that I am probably too old, not enough ‘dancer’, not flexible enough, etc… Very quickly I received an answer saying “No problem, come as you are and you’ll see…”. And that’s when everything started or restarted! I realised that all what I had suspected in my adolescence about another dimension of sexuality already existed and was there in front of my eyes. All what we can call alternative or contemporary sexualities.
I met people of all ages, genders and orientations from all parts of the ‘free’ world. Many of them also had other experiences with sexuality, like Tantra, or bodywork… And I was told about another place, still in Berlin, The Diamond Lotus, and its creator Andro aka Andreas Roth, who teaches Red Tantra. This school of Tantra was created in the 1970s. Andro is one of the creators of ‘tantra massage’. Note that this does not exist in the Indian tradition. Most of the tantra massage studios in German-speaking countries, as well as the people who work in them, have been trained in the Diamond Lotus. The Diamond Lotus is one of the few schools that practices explicit sexuality through Ritual Unifications and Maithunas, and the invitation is made to meet intimately with people with whom one does not usually interact.
It was here that I saw how explicit sexuality can scare many people. In addition to the countless sexual traumas experienced by each other. I have spent almost 5 years in this community, and have had wonderful encounters with men and women who have an extraordinary talent for connecting through the heart and through intimacy. Without really wanting to, I took the exam to become a Tantra masseur. At the same time, I wanted to explore the world of BDSM further. During four trips to the United States, I had the chance to meet the best gay experts and masters in the various BDSM practices. I also participated in huge kink and BDSM, gay and straight, festivals.
In parallel to my Tantric training, I read the books of Mantak Chia, the great Master of the Sexual Tao, I went to participate in these training sessions in Thailand at the Tao Garden. There I learned the pragmatism of the Taoists who, through the cultivation of Chi, the vital energy, seek to achieve immortality, quite simply!
The last step in my sexuality training was my course to become a Sexological Bodyworker. I was fortunate that Joseph Kramer, the creator of Body Electric School and the Sexological Bodywork, was present in person at the intensive practice meetings I had during the three years of my training. But I soon found myself cramped within the rigorous framework of Sexological Bodywork. I can understand this framework because the intention is to make it a formal profession. These practitioners work on the body including the genitals and the anal area.
In Sexological Bodywork, the framework dictates that the touch is one way only, that the practitioner is clothed, and that they practise on a massage table. This distance from the person receiving the touch did not suit me. I, then, developed my own practice.
By discovering that what I practise is called Sacred Intimacy.